"It seems to me that my fear and my creativity are basically conjoined twins - as evidenced by the fact that creativity cannot take a single step forward without fear marching right alongside it. Fear and creativity shared a womb, they were born at the same time, and they still share some vital organs. This is why we have to be careful of how we handle our fear - because I've noticed that when people try to kill off their fear, they often end up inadvertently murdering their creativity in the process."
- Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.
|Image: Man Repeller|
Heedlessly hacking at the one thing that pushed me to create this space back in 2015 - my creativity was dead for almost three months. My fears of not being good enough, to write, create and produce, required respite. Focusing on relationships, developing my "modelling" career, juggling a social life and university assignments, while combating anxiety; left no space or energy for blogging - despite wanting to and even forcing myself to sit down and type on numerous occasions.
My fears crippled me. Elizabeth Gilbert describes fear as a song with only one note, one word, "STOP." My song played at full volume on a loop, endlessly. There was no subtly or pizzazz. It was just disabling. Unable to tap into my creativity and lacking in inspiration and motivation, I was almost too afraid to write or film anything.
And I'm not alone. This feeling is so common amongst us all, whether it’s:
You're afraid you have no talent.
You're afraid no one will like your idea.
You're afraid you'll be a one hit wonder.
You're afraid you'll be a no-hit wonder.
You're afraid you will be laughed at.
You're afraid your too fat.
You're afraid your goal is too big.
You're afraid your work isn't politically, emotionally or artistically important enough to impact others.
Instead of blocking out the noise and moving forward, we often give in, allowing our fears to take centre stage. Well, mine sure did!
But fear is boring.
Pull yourself back to a time when you were nervous/fearful. It may have been a first date, a job interview or an exam. Now, remember the feeling when everything turned out ok. He/she is now your boy/girlfriend, your five months into the job and you passed the exam. If you had allowed your fear to take over, your life would be bleh! No cuddles, money or qualifications...and that sounds pretty boring if you ask me!
In the grand scheme of things, fear meant nothing and definitely offered nothing. I had already achieved things I once thought I couldn't: passing my GCSE History exam without revising, getting into one of the top universities in London for my course, signing a modelling contract, making genuine friendships after a crazy period of losing a bunch. Minor or major they proved my goals weren't too big, I had talent and those who laughed in the beginning, would soon be congratulating me.
The point of this blog post wasn't to dismiss any feelings of fear; it's a genuine and important part of every process, creatively or otherwise, but is to simply address how we shouldn't let it take dominance over our lives and dreams.
By taking some time out, I could acknowledge just how much I love this platform and how important writing is to me - even if it's only for my eyes. While this platform started out as a space to showcase my passion for style and fashion, I want it to be more than that. As I grow and mould into this badass woman, my blog will change with me. I'm more than just a shopaholic who likes to take pretty pictures; I want to share my journey, my hopes and dreams and that of others. And while that may be scary, I refuse to live a boring life, restricted by fear, anxiety and unrealistic expectations.
So, I'm back, baby!