I spiraled. After two years of feeling confident and not really crying over my body. Two nights ago I did.
It brought me back to a time when I was younger, and I would cover the mirror in my room and sit in the corner sobbing.
My moment wasn’t like that. I didn’t cover any mirrors. I wasn’t sat in a corner. But I felt hopeless and useless, similar to the feelings of that younger version of me.
This fear of never being loved, enough or wanted filled my body. I went from laying in bed, listening to music and dancing (while laying down) to believing no one was capable of loving me because of the extra pounds I’ve put on and because I’m not enough.
What does that even mean?
What is enough?
How do you even measure it?
Luckily, I could turn to the group chat. Something the younger version of myself would never have done because it was easier to deal with pain on my own.
Instead of wallowing for hours, potentially days. I snapped out of it in 15 minutes. The tears stopped. The pain in my chest faded.
I write this because despite spiralling and feeling like I was worthless. I managed to get out of it, with the support and love from my beautiful and amazing friends.
It doesn’t matter how far you get in your journey, whether you’re “winning” at life or popping. Sometimes you experience lows.
But it’s how you get out of that moment.
For me that was growth. To be able to come out of it and not want to mistreat myself or dwell, is a real sign of that.
It’s cliche, and I’ve said it 100 times, but body confidence isn’t a destination. It’s a journey, and there will be times where you don’t feel great. Allow yourself to feel that. Allow yourself to go through the motions. But if this has taught me anything. It’s that having bold and beautiful women who support you, in your corner to remind you of who you really are and what you have to offer, is so important.
I’m a multifaceted person who is more than just her bod or her lack of a lover. Neither define me or put a value on me as a being.
And as Carrie Bradshaw said: why do we let one thing we don’t have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?